French Is For Jerks

2009-01-07T16:36:00.000-08:00

So... a new post for the slush.

I haven't posted since before Maple was born, so I guess it's about time I got to it.
Not too sure yet what I'll be blogging about, but I'll do it was zeal... whatever it is.

Ideas to come.

2007-03-01T12:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Tofutti,

I heart you!

You see, I was always a little iffy when it came to dairy,
but it wasn't something I couldn't over-look,
say in the presence of Cherry Garcia.

However, and this is not something I knew about before,
being pregnant makes a lot of women Lactose intolerant.
Or at least that's what I'm hearing now, myself included.

So now I have two options;

Option 1: Kill everyone around me.
Option 2: Find digestible ice cream.

Behold! Tofutti Chocolate Fudge Treats!

Also, the soy cheese is an excellent approximation!

p.s. Yesterday I went window shopping at Balduccis after work...

2007-02-28T07:53:00.000-08:00

Forn

I am obsessed.

There was a time when I knew all the gossip blogs websites by heart...

This is slowly fading in reaction to my food obsession.

My brain has changed from one that could process many types of
thoughts, problems and issues,
to one that thinks about food, exclusively.

I read food magazines and then read the Dining & Wine section in the NY Times, then I read restaurant reviews and online recipe sites.

It takes every fiber of my being to keep from eating the Girl Scout cookies in my company kitchen.

The other day I was walking to get lunch, and in all of my exhaustion I realized that I could have walked 50 miles to get that Cobb salad... maybe further.

Happy Pregnancy to Me!

2007-02-22T14:19:00.000-08:00

Mine Has A Maroon Cover

I finished my second book of the year, I'm now (sadly) averaging one a month...

"The Catcher in the Rye"

Awesome book!

I can't remember if I reported on the end of the first,

"Bee Season"

Also awesome!

I'd be much more descriptive if I were less tired.

Now I am reading "Norwegian Wood," so far so good.

I'm working on my momentum... more effort to come.

2007-02-22T13:43:00.000-08:00

Food CRAZY

I am calling this post this for a few reasons;

1. I am super hungry.
2. I am currently in the midst of the third week of a restricted diet, due to stomach problems.
3. Today there was a pizza party at my office.
4. "I gave up candy for lent."

So today there was this little party to welcome the new members of our staff, which basically translates to people taking extra time for lunch and eating mass quantities of pizza.
I would like to clarify that I think pizza smells and tastes pretty delicious, however being fat is not something I'm interested in.
In addition to that, it makes my stomach hurt for like a whole day, and it's just not worth it.

So back to the party.

If I send out an email telling people that there is food in the kitchen, I don't even actually have to send it I just have to think about it and people just start congregating around my desk drooling, and asking me where the food is...

Well, it's not AT MY DESK.

So today brought up the usual rounds of,
"Oh you aren't having any pizza?!?!"
to which I reply, no thanks, or no I don't like it, or no I can't eat it.
The best response today (from the fatest chick in my office)
"That sucks!"

Well, not really.

This is the same woman who was just yesterday complaining about how she is so fat, and needs to go on a diet, and in fact just started one.

A PIZZA diet?

I'm not anti-fat (except for myself), really, not at all.

I'm anti-complaining.

And although I do have my fair share of whines, I don't do it to strangers or co-workers.
Because they don't care, and I know this because I don't care about their fat asses either.

There should be an unspoken rule set in the work place; if you are not actively pursuing a weight-loss goal then you are not permitted to complain about the size of your ass.

#4 No not me: This is in reference to the number of women in my office who have actually said this to me today.

One of which, after seeing jellybeans in a bowl on my desk, came over and said,

"Oh I can't eat these, I gave them up for lent."

(Internal dialogue: Aren't you supposed to give up something serious for lent?)
"Really, jellybeans, that's specific."

"No, candy... I'll just smell them."

At which point she picks up the bowl and brings it to her nose, takes a giant whiff and heaves a heavy sigh all over the beans.

"Oh those smell so good."

(Internal dialogue: Yeah well you ought to at least have the courtesy to throw them out now that you have contaminated them... ugh.)
Smile.

Then she wandered off, thankfully.

2007-02-09T12:10:00.000-08:00

Violethenge

Really I'm not sure what the formation means...

2007-02-09T12:00:00.000-08:00

The Chocolate Chocolate Lab Thank You

2007-02-09T11:53:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Mom!

A brief trip synopsis in pictures...

In our room at the Hudson Hotel...

In front of her very 1st apartment...

At Sardis...

On the way to "The Producers..."

The view... The End.

2007-02-09T11:41:00.000-08:00

I Haven't Posted in Forever...

So I haven't posted in forever, but I am developing some new stuff,
mostly I've been a little too busy to get the pictures I want ready for
the posts I want to write.

I am working on some new art projects too...

More on that later.

:)

2007-01-15T15:32:00.000-08:00

It Was A Very Artistic Day Off

2007-01-15T15:10:00.000-08:00

Photo Art

2007-01-15T15:06:00.000-08:00

The Olsen Star

2007-01-15T15:01:00.000-08:00

Today Was Too Grey...

"Oh my heart aches for California!" - Mark

2007-01-15T14:39:00.000-08:00

BEHOLD!

Mark and Spencer

2007-01-10T11:18:00.000-08:00

Violet... Likes and Dislikes.

Likes: To be wrapped in a blanket when she sleeps.
Dislikes: When Mark tells me to stop doing this to her.

Likes: Resting her head on the steering wheel.
Dislikes: Anything that requires she support her own head.

The final one, I don't have a picture of.
But it's worthy of a mention as it is pretty funny.
When ever there is any yelling in the house she gets stressed,
and immediately throws up.

I promise to take a break from posting about the dog... very soon.

2007-01-10T11:04:00.000-08:00

This Would Be Cute...
If The Squirrel Wasn't Totally Threatening Me

2007-01-10T06:18:00.000-08:00

You May Be Wondering... Or Not.

Yes, I did make everyone sweet T-shirts for Christmas this year.

2007-01-09T13:44:00.000-08:00

Anachronism

Yes, things are out of order... place... time.

Sorry, I didn't get to the Holiday pictures until now.

Or maybe I just celebrate New Years before Christmas.

Also weird.

I catch Violet sitting on things all the time.

But not all the way, just her butt, as pictured above.

Awww... She thinks she's people.

2007-01-09T13:35:00.000-08:00

And The Fireplace Was Hung By The Stockings With Care

2007-01-09T13:30:00.000-08:00

A Little Tree A Little Late

I was in charge of Christmas decorations at my office this year.

I went for the understated look.

2007-01-09T13:26:00.000-08:00

Travel Scrabble!

Hey, remember when I used to be cool?
Me neither.

2007-01-08T13:55:00.000-08:00

Resolution Update ALREADY!

So I hurt my back and didn't start my official half-marathon training this weekend.
I already run three times a week though, so I still have that going for me.

The real reason for this update, I have started my first book!
"Bee Season," by Myla Goldberg (heavily referenced in the song called Myla Goldberg, by the Decemberists which means that it is impossible for me to even look at this book without singing that song).

Turns out that this book is already a movie!

Also learned Myla Goldberg has a band "The Walking Hellos," where-in she plays
the accordion, there is a show on Friday that I'm pushing to see at The Bowery Poetry Club
bring on the learning inspiration!

Full Circle!

2007-01-08T13:51:00.000-08:00

I Just Drank My Coffee Really Fast

Lesson Re-learned Again.

2007-01-08T10:04:00.000-08:00

Fat AND Lazy!

A big fat chain smoker who works in my building just came in with a pizza and stood in front of my desk waiting for the elevator... his office is on the second floor.

Happy Monday!

2007-01-05T11:47:00.000-08:00

Get Your Party Pants On!

Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day only three short weeks away!

Note: January 29th is also my mom's b-day, which is like almost as exciting.

2007-01-05T11:36:00.000-08:00

My Company Christmas Party

This picture has been edited for your viewing pleasure.

2007-01-05T09:45:00.000-08:00

Happy 2007!
Time For a Little...

I'm hilarious.

2007-01-05T09:08:00.000-08:00

If Everybody Else Jumped Off a Bridge...

Yes, I too have the desire to annouce my resolutions publicly, the logic being that I would be more likely to actually go through with them...

Here goes!

#1: (The requisite) Lose 5 pounds.

#2: Get rid of most of my stuff (clothes, "art supplies," things I pretend are art supplies but are actually just garbage, etc.) and then organize the remaining stuff.

#3: Run a half marathon in the spring with Mark (training officially begins tomorrow!)

#4: Read at least 25 books (which works out to about 1 book every 2 weeks, give or take).

#5: Watch LESS Law & Order; damn you USA/TNT!!!

#6: Make more art!

#7: Save more money.

#8: Sew more.

#9: Make friends with people, as Violet doesn't actually count as "people."

#10: Learn to play the accordion.

2007-01-02T12:28:00.000-08:00

It's a Real Time Saver

I will start by saying that the person I work for is very nice to me.

That said, I'd like to talk about one of the most obnoxious business practices... and it goes like this.

Email #1:

Can you call ___ at (phone number) and ask them ____.

Now this might not seem that annoying, but let's break it down.

Not only do you know this person, you also know what you want to ask them, AND where to reach them, ALSO you too have a phone in your office.

You might be thinking, Hey maybe this person is too busy to dial a phone?

Maybe...

Email #2:
He/she was not there and I left a message.

Email #3:
Did you call them on the number I gave you or another number, either way I guess that's fine.

Email#4:
I called them on the number you told me.

Email #5:
Yeah I guess that's fine.

Email #6:
ok.

Email #7:
I just called him/her on a different number and talked to them, thanks.

If I do have the misfortune of the person answering it takes about 10 more emails to clear up; message, tone of voice, inflection, etc. etc. etc.

Either way, it's a great use of paid hours!

2006-12-21T13:24:00.000-08:00

I Came Across This...05/09/06.

"I wish we weren't on opposite schedules all the time, but c'est la vie, as the jerks say."

Definitely predates the blog, but for the full etymology I must continue my search!

2006-12-15T10:30:00.000-08:00

Happy First Night Of...

To LISA!

2006-12-15T10:16:00.000-08:00

Guittard Retard

http://www.onlythebestgifts.com/chocolate-10lb.html

Today my office got a present from the law firm we work with.

Two TEN POUND chocolate bars and a gingerbread house.

The way people are acting around here you'd think Godzilla was standing in front of my desk with a bag of money.

"WHAT IS THIS!!!!!!!!!!???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???!!!!!!"
"WHO IS THIS FOR?!?!?!!"
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

It's the only food I've ever seen marked, "113 servings."

2006-11-29T09:31:00.000-08:00

The Glamour Continues!

Email:
Subject: Fridge

Grace,

FYI, there is some melting going on at the 2nd floor soda fridge! Puddle of water on the bottom part of the fridge (Inside)

Awesome!

2006-11-29T09:18:00.000-08:00

DEATH TO SMOOTHIES! Etc.

Recently I have realized that in the course of my glamorous work life I am consistently having to repeat certain phrases over and over again.

And not just at one place, at all jobs.

"No the lobster salad has mayonaisse, the hot lobster roll is made with butter."

"No I'm sorry you can't make substitutions."

"Would you like that; mild, medium, regular or hot?"

"No, this is not Jamba Juice, we are an outside company, we work with them."

If I had to guess how many times I've said these phrases I'd say it'd go something like, 100 million, 640,000, 5 bazillion and 120 trillion, respectively.

Beyond this, there are the responses to these phrases, which are equally repetative.

Q: "Can you make the lobster roll with lobster salad?"
A: "Do you really want me to heat up mayonnaise and put it on a buttered roll, on this, the hottest day of the year, IN HISTORY (according to Al Gore founder of the internet)?!?!"

Q: "Well what if I am allergic."
A: (Then you'll die, which would be great) "I'll go check."

Q: "Can I have it extra medium!? Har har
A: (Begin drinking on job) "Ha Ha! I've never heard this before! Your wit is outweighed only by your attractiveness!"

Q: "Is this Jamba Juice?"
A: "No (re explain)
Q: "Is this Jamba Juice?
A: No.
Q: "Is thi.."
A: Hang up.

Grace, can you please scan this EMAIL and then email the scan of the email to this person?

I'm on it!

2006-11-29T07:36:00.000-08:00

Yoga As A Gateway To Heart Failure

I told this story to Mark last night and had him giggling like school girl... :)

So my usual weekly routine has me at yoga class at 7:45pm each Tuesday.
Generally it's the same people and we all sort of stick to putting their mats
in about the same place each time.

Last night, a gentleman came in that I'd never seen before, and asked if I woudn't mind him putting his mat next to mine.
"Of course." I said, and scooted over enough for him to have ample space, for his ample figure.

Now I do have a tendency to look over (judge) the crowd, at least at the beginning of the class, before I start my inner healing or whatever.

I thought that this guy was maybe a first timer, but then again he did seem to kind of know what he was doing.

The class begins, all soft music and focus on the breathing...
And so does the pained moaning.

This guy's face is cherry red and we are still in the first stretch.

I think, maybe he just needs time to warm up?

UUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH...

Maybe not.

As we progress so does agony.

UUUGGGHHHHHH...

Each pose that requires standing on one leg elicits more moaning and a lot of falling, in my direction.

UUUGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

Surely, I think, I'll be crushed.

UGHHHHH...

At some point his complexion turns to a nice shade of purple,
and I start to think about whether or not I have my cellphone on me,
because surely I'm going to have to call 911.

UGGHHHHHHHHHHHH...

And then we do what is called a "hip opener;"

UUGHHHHH... (hip cracks) OH GOD!... UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH...

I can not stop staring at this guy (train wreck).

Finally it's time for the inversions, which means you put your feet in the air over your head.

Each time we do this the instructor gives out the warning, which is more or less the same one they post on signs at theme parks for rollercoasters; "No pregnant women, people with back or neck injuries or history of heart problems."

And I think, No way is this guy going to do this, because he'll die.

UUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

But no, there he goes legs splayed apart to accomodate his large belly, nearly putting a foot in my face.

UUGHHHHHHHHHH...

Final relaxation is when this guy takes some time to really let loose with the heavy breathing and sighing.

I hope he's not there on Saturday.

2006-11-17T13:02:00.000-08:00

The BEST...

I feel the need to add one more story today about my favorite 400 year old caller.

It's been a while since I've heard from him,
he probably got stuck in his vault,
while he was counting his pile of gold bars.

This confused man called about 10 times in a span of about two days.
The person he wanted to talk to was at conference.

I kept trying, unsuccessfully, to get him to give me his contact information
so someone could get in touch with him.

He wouldn't give it to me or he didn't hear me, because he was pretty much completely deaf.

If he didn't stop calling I was going to lose my voice from yelling into the receiver.

FINALLY.

About the time of the 10(0)th call, he understood what I wanted, and said...

Southern Dinosaur: "I don't have it."
Me: "I MEAN YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER."
Southern Dinosaur: "I'll have to look."
Me: " NO, I NEED YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER SIR."
Southern Dinosaur: "It's my wife who does all the telephonin'
I'll have to call you back."

Awesome.

2006-11-17T12:10:00.000-08:00

In Honor of NOT Being Funny Lately...

I'm not sure if this gentleman, who has now called my office twice,
hit his head or has some form of dementia...

The first, I REPEAT, first time he called he left a message
with his name and number,no other information.
I took the initiative to call back to see what it was he wanted.
The person who answers is either this man's wife, or hiding him from the authorities, because she nervously and suspiciously asks who is calling.

Inner dialogue: Oh it's his 24 year old girlfriend/ the cops.

"Oh hi, the gentleman left a message on the voicemail at my office, but he didn't say what it was regarding."

She hands the phone over, audibly releaved.

Crazy: "HELLO!?!"
Me: "Yes hi, (I re-explain the reason for the call).
Crazy: "YOU SHOULD KNOW, I CALLED THREE TIMES ALREADY!!!"
Me: "I'm sorry I didn't get the message."
(it's important to note that I am the only person that receives calls here.)
Crazy: "This is about McDonalds! My shares, what's going on!?!?!?"
Me: (Getting more and more confused) "I don't think that we work with them."
Crazy: "YES YOU DO THIS IS ABOUT CHIPOTLE!!!!"
Me: What, oh okay, well I'll transfer the call, hold on.

(As I am going to patch it through, I can here him sighing and grumbling)

The guy isn't there to take the call, I have no idea where he is... shit.

It's about this time when I want to quit my job,
this actually happens pretty frequently.
Some irrate 400 year old guy with 20,000 shares of something is screaming at me because the person he wants to talk to is not available.
As though I personally handle every client my company works with.

I hate to brake it to you Rip Van Winkle, but they don't pay me enough for that.

Sigh.

Now I return to the call...

Me: "I'm sorry sir you're going to have to leave a message."
Crazy: (Insane ramblings for 5 minutes, finally gives up, goes to voicemail.)

20 Minutes Later...

Me: "Good Afternoon"
Crazy: "He hasn't called me back!"
Me: "Just a minute."

Again, I try to track this guy down, again he doesn't answer.

Me: (Lying) "I'm sorry sir, he is on a conference call."
Crazy: "HE SHOULD BE ON A CALL WITH ME!!!!"

How should I respond to this?

I feel sometimes like I need the training they give to police negotiators for hostage situations.

Me: "Would you like to leave another message, I'm sure he'll call you back as soon as he is able."
Crazy: "WHO ELSE CAN I TALK TO, GOD, I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF COMPANY IS THIS, I WANT TO TALK TO HIS SUPERIORS!!!"
Me: "I'm sorry sir, it's him you'll want to talk to, as soon as he is able he'll call you back, I'm sure."
Crazy: "Can't you go into his office and tell him there is someone who wants to speak with him?!?!"
Me: "He actually works in our NYC office and I am in CT so I can only get in touch with him over the phone.
Crazy: "WHAT KIND OF COMPANY IS THIS?!?!?!"

This next part went on for about 3 solid minutes...

Crazy: "WELL WHO ELSE CAN I TALK TO?!"
Me: "It's really him you'll want to speak with, he handles that account."
Crazy: "WELL HOW DO I GET IN TOUCH WITH HIM?!?!"
Me: "It's best to leave a message and he will call you as soon as he can."
Crazy: "WELL WHO ELSE CAN I TALK TO?!"
Me: "It's really him you'll want to speak with, he handle that account."
Crazy: "WELL HOW DO I GET IN TOUCH WITH HIM?!?!"
Me: "It's best to leave a message and he will call you as soon as he can."

Only these sentences... for three minutes.

The other line rang and I put him on hold so my head wouldn't explode.

He hung up...

I'm waiting for the third call.

2006-11-15T17:03:00.000-08:00

The Next Big Thing in Swimming!

Anna "I'll kick your ass in the 50" Milne!

2006-11-15T07:38:00.000-08:00

HAPPY FALL!

2006-11-08T14:14:00.000-08:00

THE STATES UPDATES!

Anna went 27.1 in the 50 freestyle at SCC Championships.

She'll be swimming the same race on Saturday!

Good Luck Anna!!!

(And don't forget to streamline!)

2006-11-02T12:40:00.000-08:00

CWOS Pictures!

Check out the website for all the pictures, and the art!
CWOS Photographs!

2006-10-31T11:53:00.000-08:00

This just in...

Anna Made States in the 50 Freestyle!

Finished 2nd out of 32.

CONGRATULATIONS ANNA!!!

2006-10-23T08:04:00.000-07:00

Today's Updates.

My Life in Pictures...

Enjoy.

2006-10-23T07:55:00.000-07:00

Also...

We had a party.

2006-10-23T07:47:00.000-07:00

Take a Hike!

Excellent weekend.

2006-10-23T07:36:00.000-07:00

Happy 23rd Birthday Matt!

The End.

2006-10-23T07:32:00.000-07:00

My Website

:(

In light of technical difficulties...
Hopefully Apple will remove it's head from where ever it is, and get me back online.

2006-10-12T14:07:00.000-07:00

Pour Lisa...

Le manteau de chat domestique.

2006-10-12T13:31:00.000-07:00

And I Thought About This...

"Theory France"

Again.

2006-10-12T13:15:00.000-07:00

Congratulations !

THE MAN TIME FORGOT
A Tale of Genius, Betrayal, and the Creation of Time Magazine.
By Isaiah Wilner.

Happy New York Times Book Review!

2006-10-10T10:36:00.000-07:00

Today's Artist

www.justinebassani.com

2006-10-10T08:17:00.000-07:00

Last Night...

Or rather, wide awake at 4am this morning.

I kept thinking how awkward and strange a person can seem when he is in a very deep sleep, lying directly beside you.

And the analogy unremitting in my mind...

"Like a chartreuse, burlap table cloth."

2006-10-09T10:22:00.000-07:00

CWOS Update!

550 Newhall Street, Hamden, CT
We will be located on the 2nd Floor, in Room # 201.

2006-10-09T10:15:00.000-07:00

Last Friday...

I made this.

2006-10-09T10:06:00.000-07:00

Brought To You By... Lady McCrady

http://www.shirret.com/

2006-10-06T07:03:00.000-07:00

Happy 6 Month Birthday Violet!

2006-10-05T13:36:00.000-07:00

Mark's Online Photo Album

http://picasaweb.google.com/graceandmarkandviolet/

Wedding Photographs!

2006-10-04T09:01:00.000-07:00

David Troupes

www.buttercupfestival.com

2006-10-03T14:04:00.000-07:00

Today

I drew this.

2006-09-29T08:52:00.000-07:00

Another Geneva Convention "Grey Area?"

This story ends with me leaving the Staples because I thought I might have to kick a bitch.

Yesterday after work I decided I'd run to the staples to have some copies made.

In retrospect, this does seem like a crazy idea, but at the time, I was blinded by the concept of "convenience" offered up by the Staples Copy Center.

Convenient it is not.

I did my absolute best to approach this situation calmy and methodically.

That wasn't working.

I realized that maybe I wasn't being clear, what I was attempting to accomplish is pictured below.

Clearly, ROCKET SCIENCE!

After she hands me a sheet of paper with the image in the upper left hand corner, verically, and half of the flag cut off for the third time...

Her: Is this good?

ME: Uh no, not at all.

Her: OH.

ME: (Again) What I need is for the top of the image to point to the middle of the page, so when it is folded in half log ways, the paper can be cut to make two seperate cards.

Her: (Blank stare)

Me: Why don't you just make two copies and I'll cut them out and then you can just photocopy that.

Her: (Tongue hanging out, more staring.)

Five more minutes of struggling with the concept.

Me: Just make two copies and give them to me, I will need scissors to cut them out, tape, and a third sheet of blank paper to tape them on.

Her: Hold on. How about this.

Me: No, just stop, please, that's upside down again, see how I have the paper folded as an example.

Her: Where is the ruler?

Me: (About to burst into tears of rage) Please just make the copies, and I will cut them out.

Skip ahead to twenty minutes after I have finished this task, and I have been watching her watch some guy who doesn't understand how to tape a box, while she holds a UPS label, the only other person who works in the copy center is standing behind her, watching her, watch him.

FINALLY...

After she ignores me for another ten minutes, rings up two other people, fills another order, calls someone on her cell, she goes to make my copies.

Her: You want it on this paper? (Holding up glossy photo-paper.)

Me: No, I said, I need it on cardstock, please, the one I showed you.

Her: Oh you can't, that's how the machine got broken all day Monday.

Me: I had it done three weeks ago though, I don't understand.

A manager is called, who on the way over, goes outside to chat with some friends, when she gets back inside, she starts hugging a customer, and then disappears down one of the aisles for a bit.

When she finally gets there she says we should just do it on the self-service copier.

The copies that are made are pink.

Her: Are these good?

Me: No.

Her: Really?

END.

2006-09-29T08:39:00.000-07:00

You Are Invited!

I hope you can join me!
I'll post the exact room location when I get it!

2006-09-29T08:30:00.000-07:00

Classy!

I just wanted to post a little thank you note to the chick who just threw up,

in the lobby, next to my desk.

I appreciate you giving me the opportunity to clean it up.

Happy 2nd Day!

2006-09-29T07:18:00.000-07:00

Finish Your Donuts...

I used to work at a deli, and every day this guy would bring his two kids in for breakfast, one day I overheard him say to them...

"Finish your donuts or you can't have any candy."

Awesome.

2006-09-28T12:51:00.000-07:00

I Drew This...

The dragon, I mean.

2006-09-27T09:37:00.000-07:00

The Dog Park

Yesterday while I was at the dog park a woman asked me what my dog's name is.

"Violet."

She then asked about the dogs full name, yes I did have her last name printed on her dog tag.

"Violet Damien."

I then told her a story about the first time I took the dog to the vet.
When they asked the name I said "Damien" thinking she meant my name.

The reply was something like, "WHOA, killer!"
So then sheepishly I reply, "Oh that's my name, her name is Violet."

The woman I am telling this to then starts to ask about the name, and the conversation goes something like this:

Her: Oh is that short for something?
Me: (Puzzled look on face, no doubt) Um no. It's french.
Her: Oh, so it must mean something.
Me: Yes.

At which point I stopped the conversation and walked away.

Moral: I have no social skills.

2006-09-26T11:26:00.000-07:00

The Spelling Bee Nightmare...

Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

Could you use it in a sentence please?

2006-09-25T14:24:00.000-07:00

Super Funny

www.qwantz.com

2006-09-21T08:13:00.000-07:00

Free Massage... At What Cost?

I've been thinking about this post for a while now. Lately I've been feeling more like reading, and less like writing. However, it's now 11:10AM, which means I've been at work for exactly 2 hours and 40 minutes, and I feel like I've been here for about a year.

All that being said, I'd like to talk about the "free massage."

First of all, it's not free.

Second, I don't want it.

My most recent experience with this "service" was brought to me by my local nail salon. Occasionally I will have a pedicure, maybe one or two a year. It's nice and relaxing, warm bubbles and a foot rub, who wouldn't love this?

I'm all soft focus and relaxed.

As I sit at this little island thing, in the middle of the salon, waiting for my toes to dry I am invariably prompted by a girl, asking me if I would like a massage.

Great!

It's not.

And while I know, from experience, that this massage will be one of, if not the, worst massage in the history of the earth. I always accept. Always.

Why?

Why would I subject myself to the jabbing finger-pokes to back of the neck, small hairs at the base of my scalp being ripped out by her generous gold rings, and then the inevitable elbow dug into my shoulder blade as she leans her full body weight against my back to take a break and scream to her friend across the room?

Because of the guilt.

I feel guilty if I reject their proposal, so I accept, sitting there awkwardly, trying not to wince, waiting for it to be over...

Moral: The cost of the free massage? My dignity.

2006-09-13T11:54:00.000-07:00

Dear India...

You are too fat.

Love, The New York Times

2006-09-12T08:58:00.000-07:00

HOORAY MARRIAGE!

Being married is so totally awesome.

2006-08-30T14:05:00.000-07:00

In Other News...

Wedding count down is at 4.5 days...

And

I registered for the course that will finally put a diploma in my hands!

Thank you to both FU's

2006-08-30T13:46:00.000-07:00

I Just Received An Email From Communism

Not Shown: Email from Heidi Klum

2006-08-28T07:35:00.000-07:00

WTF

Who invited Ernesto to my wedding?

2006-08-24T14:18:00.000-07:00

This Is So Totally Awesome...

Hooray!

2006-08-24T10:59:00.000-07:00

Doesn't Society Punish Stupidity?

Pretty much everyday I am met with some sort of inane crisis brought on by one of the other receptionists in my company, through a complete lack of attention to anything other than, I don't know, something shiney on her desk?

Moral: Not if Stupid is hot.

2006-08-24T08:41:00.000-07:00

When Cupcakes Attack: Intra-Office Email Edition

Subject: Do not take your

kids to J's house on Halloween!! Chef J added some “secret ingredients” to the cupcakes he shared with us today.

While we knew he was nuts… I found his missing screw in my cupcake. I am headed to the dentist now. Just wanted to warn you all….

2006-08-24T06:22:00.000-07:00

The New York Times

Today's news: sickening.

2006-08-23T08:48:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, August 23rd 2006

Another installment of, emails I send around my office...

To All-

You are now free to roam the building.

The doors are fixed.

Thank you for your patience.

Grace

2006-08-23T08:38:00.000-07:00

Now Appearing on the Organ-Icks! "Do Not Eat" List

Nature's Promise, Chocolate Chip Granola Bar.

2006-08-22T09:36:00.000-07:00

Not Really a Question

Is my attention span shorter... or does the NY Times totally suck.

2006-08-17T07:54:00.000-07:00

Typos and Other Funny Things

The obscene frequency with which I accidentally type:

"You go tit"

at work.

And this!

2006-08-15T10:13:00.000-07:00

To be Filed Under Awesome: Part II

久葉征志郎

http://www.hisaba.com/

2006-08-15T09:06:00.000-07:00

Things I Just Learned: Volume I

"You can never get more than 12,500 miles from home on the Earth."

2006-08-15T07:55:00.000-07:00

C.W.O.S. I Heart Art

It's that time of year again,
City Wide Open Studios time!

Please join my friends and I for some awesome art!
Plus that guy who makes chain maille for beanie babies,
and free, (boxed!) wine.

It's sure to please!

October 28th & 29th, 12pm-5pm.

http://www.cwos.org/

2006-08-14T12:36:00.000-07:00

To Be Filed Under Awesome: Part I

Makiko Sugawa

http://www011.upp.so-net.ne.jp/makiko/menu.html

2006-08-14T11:39:00.000-07:00

How Not To Stub Your Toes: The Instructional Offering

I have developed a method for navigating to the bathroom in the dark without stubbing my toes.

Now there are a few specifics that make my situation particularly dangerous.

1. I have to walk through the darkened kitchen to reach the bathroom.
2. I live with Mr. I never push in my chair.
3. I don't have my contacts in at that time of night, and I left my glasses at my friend's house, like a year ago.
4. I stub my toes all the friggin' time.

So last night as I made my perilous journey back from the bathroom I did what I always do.

Curl my toes under the balls of my feet and slowly shuffle back to the bedroom, without incident.

And what would be the alternative scenario you may wonder?

I would stub my toe on the leg of the table, and as quickly bent down to hold my now broken appendage, I would crack my forehead against the corner of the table, and as I fell sidways into the sink, I would grab onto the edge to steady myself, and inadvertantly put my hand around a large kitchen knife, which I would then accidentally pull down on top of myself as I fell over a chair and onto the floor.

2006-08-11T11:16:00.000-07:00

Because 6 would have been too many.

in·sane ( n-s n )adj.

Of, exhibiting, or afflicted with insanity.
Characteristic of or associated with persons afflicted with insanity: an insane laugh; insane babbling.
Intended for use by such persons: an insane asylum.
Immoderate; wild: insane jealousy.
Very foolish; absurd: took insane risks behind the wheel.

2006-08-10T15:19:00.000-07:00

Pseudo-Psychologist-Artist-Receptionist Wanted?

Due to my over-qualification for pretty much everything, and the fact that at some point I'll want to pay for stuff, and by want, I mean have.

And, in light of some realizations (debtor's prison) I have decided I need to look for a long term carrer.

Now it's just a matter of choosing...

Raising/Training Magician's Doves

or

Breeding Hedgehogs

I know, you wish you had thought of it first...

Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!

2006-08-10T11:13:00.000-07:00

I'm Lucky I Have Pants On

If you had read the post a few days ago regarding my oblivious attitude towards dressing myself, then you'll realize that this is the prequel previously mentioned.

I have decided to ressurect this gem for your viewing pleasure.

And so it begins...

I have mentioned this to a few people, but mostly I've kept it to myself for most of my life.

But I must break my silence once and for all!

I have, on about a weekly basis, since I can remember, accidentally put my underwear on inside-out in the morning.

Generally, I don't notice until mid-day, sometimes I don't notice until that evening.

How does this happen?
Why does it happen so often?
What the hell is wrong with me?

Like the identity of Jack the Ripper, this too is a mystery.

But flash back with me, if you will, to my earliest years dealing with this phenomenon...

There is no really good, discrete place to take off your pants in an elementary school, and normally, that is a good thing.

But when you are sitting in school all day thinking about how you can't believe you did this, again, you start to think about the next time, and place, you can take off your pants.

Cut to someone walking into the bathroom and seeing my pants come off from under the stall door.

Suddenly I have two options;

Option #1: Try to wait this kid out.

Option #2: Stroll out confidently to become forever known as "that girl who takes her pants and shoes off to go to the bathroom."

Sadly, there is no conclusion here, which is apparent from the date on the other post.

Follow-up; A short list of other mysterious occurances:

Going out in cold weather with no jacket, only to have to buy a jacket once I am out.

Buying socks at 59th street Gap on my way to the movies because I forgot to wear them.

And...

The Grand Finale!

Going to Hawaii when I was in college, and only when I was there (wearing red suede ankle boots) did I realize that I had brought only the right sneaker.

Needless to say those boots looked super hot with a bikini.

2006-08-10T10:36:00.000-07:00

Behold!

My Wedding Invitation

2006-08-10T09:22:00.000-07:00

The Candy Dish

I would like to take this opportunity to enlighten the world about the candy dish on my desk. "Candy Dish!?" you might say, and then "How delightful!"

And I am sure there are some who would love to hear a woman say,

"I just want something to suck on."

I am not one of those people.

In addition to the colorful phrases, there is also the bizarre behavioral pattern many women exhibit around this candy dish.

"I just came over to say hi... what's this candy?!"

Yes ladies, it is.

In fact, same candy, same desk, same receptionist.

everyday.

2006-08-10T08:52:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of things wrong here...

Not least of which...

2006-08-09T13:33:00.000-07:00

Picking up chicks 101: A How to Guide

"How old are you, like 25 or something?"
It's always good to ask chicks if they are older than they really are.

"What are you, like, the receptionist or something."
Also, ask a lot of obvious questions, that are, like, easy for chicks to answer.

"Wait 'til you get to be my age, I'm 51."
Threaten them.

If all else fails, laugh until you snort.

A PSA brought to you by the guy building the door frame in my office.

2006-08-09T13:04:00.000-07:00

Goldfish are not Promotional Tools

Warning, this story is not for the faint of heart.

Last wednesday I was enjoying my free tuna salad wrap, which in retrospect seems like an ominous sign.

Here I am minding my own business, seeing how many potato chips will fit into said wrap, when two women appear in front of my desk. One of the woman is holding a folder, no problem there, I love folders.
The other woman however is holding a small plastic bowl with a very spotted LIVING goldfish inside. Now I had a feeling where this encounter was going...

Folder: Hey we just bought and renovated the new hotel just a mile from here!!!
(Hands folder and business card to me)
Fish: We are offering a lot of promotional deals... including YOUR NEW OFFICE MASCOT!
Me: Are you seriously leaving that fish here.
Fish: It's your new mascot, OR you can bring him home!!!
Me: Don't leave that fish here, I don't want it.
Fish: Here you go!!!! And here's his food!!! Call us!!!
(Women leave without folder or fish)

LATER:

Animal Lover: Oh my god! Where did you get that!?
Me: Some woman left it here.
Animal Lover: It's suffocating, it's going to die, what are you going to do.
Me: Flush it down the toilet?
Animal Lover: Oh my god, should I take it home. I don't want to take care of it... This reminds me of this keg party...
Me: Right, well, I'll bring in a bigger bowl tomorrow.
Animal Lover: It's going to die.
Me: Yeah, probably.

NEXT DAY:

Fish: ...

(Flush)

2006-08-09T13:00:00.000-07:00

Adventures in Emailing Su Vignette Due

Su: I shit you not, there is someone I now know with the last name Von Muffling
Me: AWESOME! Are they Dutch or just an asshole?

Fin

2006-08-09T12:53:00.000-07:00

Adventures in Emailing Su Vignette Une

Su: Gross
Me: That thing is totally sweet
Su: It's kitchy
Me: Kitchy, sweet, potato, potato... oh that doesn't work

Topic:

Fin

2006-08-09T07:58:00.000-07:00

I am currently renovating my website
Check out the new photos!
The new art work is on it's way!

2006-08-09T07:01:00.000-07:00

Top Three Reasons, I have not yet chosen a company Christmas Card.

2006-08-08T12:36:00.000-07:00

When I walk to the water cooler at my office, I can see the surface rippling...

2006-08-08T10:24:00.000-07:00

You Are Glowing!

A follow up to a post that does not yet appear...

I began a blog, now defuct, a little while back, the first post of which called to light my ability to notice every single detail, except those glaringly obvious.

Oh I met you one time 12 years ago?

I rememeber what you were wearing, what I had for breakfast that morning, your mom's maiden name, etc etc.

Now I bring you to the present, or recent past, yesterday evening. As I walked home from my office, I happened to stroll past an outdoor sale rack at a clothing store, where I will now regard the sales women as "masters of deception," although as you will realize, I'm real easy to trick.

Today I am wearing a maternity tunic.

Now, granted, I tried this item on, and it was 60% off, and since I'll pretty much buy anything that is on sale, I am sure that it is this percentage that blinded me from the fact that the other side of the tag said "Maternity."

I talked at length with the sales girl about how it seemed to be much longer in the front than the back, and I thought this was an effect of my rather generous ass.
The fabulist replied that many women were belting the garment and that this brought the hem to the correct length in the front. She neglected to mention that an INFANT IN THE WOMB would also, incidentally, bring that hem up.
I'm not so much for belts, and decided, considering my love of sales, that I'd take it anyways.

So let's recap, I am not pregnant.

This brings us to this morning, when my boyfriend is cutting the tag off of my dress.

"Uh, did you know this was a maternity dress?"

"What?!?!?!"

Moral: I look like I am pregnant.

At least the maintenance guy said I looked nice in it...